My father passed away from suicide when I was 14 years old. I was the one to find him. I suffered for many years with depression of my own and also what I felt was the humiliation of having a parent who committed suicide.
Clinging to relationship after relationship and, in the meantime, abandoning friends before they could abandon me, I spent years struggling inwardly while on the surface making it appear that everything was fine. Suppressing my emotions, people pleasing, and a feeling of shame created physical ailments for me such as migraines, high blood pressure, and acne.
Suicide has such a stigma to it in our society that, from my perspective, it would have been a totally different situation if my dad died from a heart attack or cancer. I spent years holding a resentment towards him for his suicide and also the depression and moodiness that I consistently was surrounded by as a child.
I am now in my 30's and no longer feel the animosity or sadness that I felt for years about his suicide. I can't really say that it even bothers me so much anymore and I have very loving feelings towards my dad. What's great is that you don't have to spend 20 years hurting like I did before you begin to heal. The healing process can begin today, in this very moment.
One of the first areas to start with is forgiveness. I wouldn't even call it forgiveness, but something much more powerful, compassion.
When I really looked at the situation and realized just how much pain my dad was in, how he suffered in his childhood, and ultimately could not escape the madness of his mind, I feel a sense of deep love and compassion for him. He was simply doing the best that he could have at the time with what he knew. If he knew better, he would've acted differently.
What he did wasn't personal against me or anyone else. He was in so much pain and felt that there was no other way out. When I came to that awareness, my anger began to fade away, and love and compassion for him took over.
I also stopped seeing myself as a victim and a victim of circumstance. I did this through the letting go of the preconceived notions that I had about myself, the story. I thought for so long that I was my story, that I was my past, that I was my fears, that I was all those things that happened in my life. In fact, those are all just a collection of experiences that make up a life situation.
They aren't really who I am in my true essence, which is something much more divine than anything anyone of us could ever imagine. The more that I accepted myself as a soul, as a spiritual being, and the more that I began to view myself as something grander than any life story, a surrendering took place. A surrendering to what is, to what was, and to what will come, set me free.
I surrendered to all that had happened in my life involving my dad, his depression, and ultimate suicide. For so long, I insisted that it should not have occurred, that things should have been different, and I am a victim because of it. Really? Is that true? Things happened the way that they happened and me trying to change that, or act like it should have been otherwise only causes more suffering for me.
Acceptance of his suicide helped me to discover true freedom. Acceptance doesn't mean that we necessarily condone things, but that we stop telling ourselves that the past should be different than what it was.
I was no longer an ashamed little girl with this victim story. I am a beautiful soul who is on this earth at this time with a purpose. We all are, every single one of us. We have just forgotten this and have gotten a little sidetracked.
When you begin to view yourself and others in this way, compassion for them is much more possible. After my father's death, I made an internal decision to never talk about it as much as I could help it. I eventually did start talking about it, though, about 15 years later.
It has been truly healing for me to see my father in this new, more compassionate light. I feel as though I have a new friend on the other side and all is forgiven. On a deeper level, there is nothing to forgive because we are all doing the best we can with what we know. When I put myself into his shoes, I can honestly say that I understand, and it is okay.
Victoria Ayres is a Certified Life Coach and writer. Her services are available via phone, Skype, and in-person. Visit http://www.VictoriaAyres.com or email her at VictoriaAyres11@gmail.com for more information. Follow her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/victoriaayres11 and Twitter at #VictoriaAyres11.
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