Depression is real. There are those who will dismiss this label of "depression" and demand that this is only a feeling of self-pity and you can fight this feeling by simply going for a walk, watching a movie or doing something that will entertain you for the moment. Unfortunately the solution is not that easy. The mind is a powerful organ that is capable of controlling your destiny and whether you live or die.
In this article I would like to peer into the mind of a depressed and unstable individual struggling to exist.
Listen:
I just could not do it. I could not give in to despair. Allowing despair to control my mind and my emotions was not an option. I have too many things to take care of - too many responsibilities. There are too many people depending on me. What if I give up now and my better day is right around the corner. Maybe my better day is tomorrow.
So, I decide to fight. I decide to hold on to my sanity. My sanity is too precious to me. I don't understand everything that is happening to me right now but I know that I am still alive and there is hope for me.
Then again, why do I hold on? Is it ever going to get better? Am I waiting for a release from this prison that will never happen?
My mind is locked up. I am physically free. I am not locked up in a jail cell but I am a prisoner in my mind. I no longer control my thoughts. My thoughts and emotions are now controlled by my past experiences. I have lost my innocence. The world is no longer a friendly place anymore.
Everyone wants to harm me and no one will show me love.
One failed relationship after the other leads to one broken promise after another. Why should I believe for a brighter day? When I believe I am hurt. I once saw the world through rose colored glasses but now my eyes are filled with the agony of thorns.
I waited patiently for a while - looking for that silver lining to all the dark clouds in my life. I got knocked down and got back up. I got knocked down again and got back up again. I am running out of strength now. How many more rounds are in this fight?
People tell me to hold on and don't quit. Some even say they love me but where are they? Where are they during the night when all is quiet and I am alone with my thoughts? These thoughts play over and over in my head like a movie. I am reminded of things I did and cannot change. I am reminded of people I have hurt and all the failures I have made in life. If you love me so much where are you now? Please come and turn this movie off. Throw your arms around me and tell me how much you love me.
After the movie I feel filthy because of what I have done. I feel worthy of death - perhaps death by my own hand. No one would miss me because I am not worth being loved. You said you loved me you said you cared but where are you now?
I am being swallowed up by my thoughts and I cannot turn them off. I hope I make it through the night.
But... if I do... make it through the night... what will tomorrow bring for me?... another day of torment?
Maybe I don't want to make it through the night because I am filthy, not worthy of love and my existence is meaningless.
Another day for me means another day of trying to figure out where I fit and trying to please people that cannot be pleased.
I am getting weaker and weaker with every passing day. I feel as if I am a hologram living in virtual reality and my image is fading a little more everyday.
I was told to pray but why should I talk to the God who commanded that I be born. Shouldn't He have known that I would suffer like this? Why did He punish me with existence?
No! I refuse to talk to the God that mocks me by making me walk this earth. He should know I am in misery. Some say that He is my only hope. Well, if He is my only hope I think I will take my chances of disappearing without a trace.
Sometimes I feel like I am in an Abyss-so many problems and no solution. Will my problems become my Bermuda Triangle? As I tread lightly along will I be swallowed up and lost?
I don't know... you tell me.
Please, someone help me.
This is the voice of the mind of a depressed person. Depression is real.
This article is by La Shan Yvette Njie, Founder of Listening Ears. I am dedicated to curing the ailments of the world, one person at a time. The mind should be in harmony with the body and the body should be in harmony with the mind. http://www.lisnenears.com
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